Letting Go (And a Poem)
Have I ever mentioned that a couple of elite runners live in my building? I may or may not have stalked them out. Just kidding. They are actully friends of ours and I feel like I know a few local running celebrities. Anyway, as I was heading out for my run yesterday morning, I saw the elite runner husband finishing up his run and we stopped and chatted for a bit. He asked how my running was going and I replied with the this is not my year for running, I’m so slow, I’m just trying to get back into it lament. We then briefly talked about the benefits of having those easy days and non-timed runs. It gave me something to think about as I headed out for my first 6 miles in over a month.
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I’m the worst at easy days and forget leaving the Garmin at home. But you see, I’m at a different stage in my life right now. I have two major things I’m trying to work through…. a recovering hip and pregnancy. I’m not the same as I was in March and I need to stop trying to run like I’m the same. As I turned around at the 3 mile mark, I decided to not look at my watch for the last 3 miles. (It would have been much easier just to turn the darn thing off.) How did that work out, you ask? Horribly. I didn’t make it ½ mile before I was checking my time. What the heck is wrong with me?!?! It’s like I’m an addict and by putting pressure on myself, I’m starting to take the joy away from the sport I love so dearly. Nobody said I had to work my ass off every single day. I think it’s actually okay to take time and enjoy myself and what I’m doing. And what if I don’t want to wake up at 5:20 am every morning just to be at the gym when they open at 6:00? I think that’s okay too.
All of this got me thinking about a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. Of course, it’s a poem about running and the baby, too! I think I need to continue to remind myself that for long I’ve been so selfish with my running. It’s time to let go and just give myself a breather. Here is what I wrote…
Only six short months ago,
I lay broken and weary in a hospital bed.
Running as I knew it,
had become a sad and distant memory.
And the identity that I worked so many years to create,
would never again, be just the same.
But you see, life is funny and the Universe unyielding.
For only six short months ago,
I knew not what lay ahead.
Just two short months ago,
I had a plan.
Boston 2015, it would be my day.
I told the world my dreams.
Blogged about it. Talked about it. And even journaled about it.
And as I write this silly little poem,
right at this very moment,
I have realized my one profund error.
I was being selfish.
And have been selfish for many, many years.
The Universe, oh I do love the Universe.
You tell her your plan,
and she’ll show you her’s.
Running has ruled my life,
for far too many years.
Who I believe I am as a person,
somehow centered around miles, paces, and races.
And at first, I thought a nearly broken hip
might change my view of who exactly I am.
But with my first 6 mile run,
I was back to where I started.
Assessing my worth,
with every mile that I ran.
So with my announcement to run Boston,
and a dangerous cycle starting again,
the Universe said, “No, not yet.
You have not learned your lesson.”
And with my decree,
after I told the world my plans,
I learned the difference between selfishness and selflessness.
For my life is no longer about me and my running,
Instead, it’s now something bigger and something better.
My life is about growing and nurturing,
a tiny little life,
our tiny little baby..
A year is so long,
but yet so very short.
In only 365 short, long days,
My life will go
from a nearly broken hip,
to my new role as a mom.
And to add to my story,
I will yet again be in the same hospital,
presumably one year to the day,
where I had the surgery,
that changed the one sport and the one identity,
that I thought was actually me.
2014, you have taught me so much
2015, I am open to the new adventures.
(and the pic is baby at 12, 13, and 14 weeks.)
Happy Trails and Happy Running,